Third Child // To Nurse or Not To Nurse is My Question
This question is weighting heavily on my mind as the days pass by and I get even closer to my due date.
My anxiety is high just thinking about breastfeeding a third baby. After nursing Val, exclusively, for ten months before she took a bottle, is the reason for my worries and fear. There were days where I just thought it would never end and I would never get time away from her. That must sound awful, but its the truth.
When my newborns are, well new, there are trips to the pediatrician for weight checks. This always makes me anxious because I am worried if I am feeding my baby enough. Am I doing my job as a new mom, am I not doing my job? The scale puts me on edge. I hate it.
Then there is the stress of being the only person to provide them comfort and food 24/7. Sure, I can pump, but that doesn’t always work out since when I pumped for Val, she would not drink the milk from a bottle. We tried everything to no avail and it really took a toll on me.
When G was born we lived within a five minute drive from my parents and T.J.’s didn’t work an hour away from our home. When Val was born, we had bought our home in Connecticut leaving us two hours from family and friends and T.J. driving an hour to and from work. Due to the commute into New York, he leaves around 6am. The rush hour traffic is a total mess here so even though he is done teaching at 3pm, he stays past 7pm just to avoid traffic. On Fridays he leaves after classes are over, but that can leave him sitting in the car for up to three hours!
So, his schedule this Fall semester has him home for a full day on Wednesday. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, I can pretty much be certain that he will be gone from sun up to sun down leaving me in charge of the little for breakfast, preschool prep and drop off, lunches, dinners, and baths. And, knowing I am adding a third into the mix is making my eye twitch. I wouldn’t mind IF we had family a phone call away, or I knew he would be home for dinners and bath time. The only time I have for my own is after everyone is asleep, and then I’m alone until he comes home around 8pm.
And don’t be all like, “well why are you having another baby?” I love our kids and am excited to add another, there are just a few moving parts that I want to figure out for everyones well being.
So, I’m really trying to find ways to keep my anxiety low, and my days as manageable as possible. Oh, and Winter, Winter is just around the corner and after living through last years Winter, I just have no words. It was long, the snow was never-ending and I think I left the house once or twice a week! After Christmas, we didn’t see any family until Easter. There was no way anyone was going to risk driving the two hours to get here and, like I said, the snow was never-ending.
I want to be able to bottle feed this baby. I need to keep myself in mind and make sure I am able to separate myself when the opportunity arrises. If my Mom is here or T.J. is home, I want to be able to leave the house and do something for me. Take a yoga class, get my hair cut, get a manicure, go food shopping alone. Nothing major, just make time for me. I never do it. I have every good intention, but it just never happens.
I also want to spend time with my two girls. Take them outside and run around, take them to a ladies lunch and leave the boys at home. I’m so close to the end of this pregnancy and my mobile and energy is on the decline. I feel some guilt about not being able to do as much as I’d like with the girls these days.
I’ve always been looking on Care.com to find a Mother’s Helper to be here with me, a few days, just so I can shower or drop G off at preschool without taking all three kids. I can’t stress enough how having family close by is amazing. They say it takes a village and its no joke. We can all try to think we can do everything on our own, but its just not reality. Everyone needs someone to lean on especially when you are raising a family. Asking for help shouldn’t make you feel like less of a person, like you can’t do it all.
So, with a few weeks to go before baby brother arrives, I am still trying to work this all out in my mind. Hopefully I will find some clarity soon. I know it will all work out, just need to figure out how.